Everything You Need To Know About Football This Week 14/10/14

Here’s everything you need to know about football this week – featuring four goals from Neymar, the demise of Andy Townsend and an indignant Mario Götze.

Albania 1 – 1 Denmark

Denmark’s Nicklas Bendtner showed silky skills to set up the equalising goal and prove his critics wrong with this graceful assist/tumble.

Poland 2 – 0 Germany

After 6 draws and 12 losses against the current world champions, Poland finally laid their demons to rest with goals from Milik and Mila, and a host of saves from Arsenal goalkeeper Wojciech Szczesny.

After the game, world cup final goalscorer Mario Götze was asked by a Polish journalist if Germany – who won the world cup less than 3 months ago – were in crisis. This was his reaction.

Estonia 0 – 1 England

The mighty England conquered Estonia thanks to this free kick from Wayne Rooney. Estonian defender Artur Pikk, who was marking Rooney on the night, had to go straight from defending Estonia to… defending Estonia, returning to his army barracks after the game.

After everyone had a good laugh playing ‘Andy Townsend bingo’, Independent readers voted Townsend the worst football co-commentator on TV with Michael Owen and Mark Lawrenson in 2nd and 3rd.

Iceland 2 – 0 Netherlands

Minnows Iceland beat the Netherlands 2 – 0 with Swansea’s Gylfi Sigurdsson scoring this trademark volley.

Iceland’s peculiar chanting celebration in the dressing room after the game is a must see.

Norway 2 – 1 Bulgaria

Norway’s victory against Bulgaria saw the debut of 15-year-old Martin Odegaard, who somewhat unbelievably was born in 1998, the same year that: the first iMac was introduced, Seinfeld finished, and Bill Clinton didn’t have sexual relations with Monica Lewinsky.

Unbelievably, Norway’s Johansen was booked for this slide tackle on the Bulgarian coach.

Brazil 4 – 0 Japan

Today, while you’ve been writing powerpoint presentations and refreshing Facebook, Brazilian wonderkid Neymar has scored 4 goals against Japan.

Hong Kong 0 – 7 Argentina

Barcelona teammate Lionel Messi has also been having some fun. Coming on only for the last 30 minutes, the Argentine scored a brace and got an assist in his team’s 7 – 0 thrashing of Hong Kong.

Now that you’ve read all of that you’re surely more clued up than Germany’s Toni Kroos, who seems to think that he’s playing against Scotland tonight, rather than the Republic of Ireland.